What Happened?

Spiritual Groups

Let’s take a look at how groups work in general, and then add in the church and spiritual dynamics. First, we need to realize that anytime three or more of us are doing something together, we are a group. Big groups can be nations, states, schools, denominations and churches. Smaller groups can be sport teams, work departments, Mission Committees, and Sunday School classes.  Groups can be very formal with written laws and bylaws like cities or clubs or churches. Groups can be informal, like “the guys and me” or “my dance friends” or “the Garcia side of my family.” 

What you may or may not remember about groups is that they all have “social norms.” Social Norms are rules that can be written or unwritten by which people conform.  This is not evil. This is simply a formal way of acknowledging that we identify ourselves by what we have in common.  What hurts is when we no longer share a common social norm with our group and we become excluded from it. 

Here are a couple of church examples:

Example 1: Formal Rules

First Church of My Holy Imagination has a written rule that states all parents of children who use the nursery will be rotated through a weekly schedule for worship service nursery duty.

Do you see the two groups?  The formal one is First Church. The informal one is “parents of children who use the nursery.”   If all the parents take turns and everyone is happy with that arrangement, all is well.  But … let’s say one couple, the Muddlesons, keeps calling in on their scheduled Sundays saying they can’t make it for one reason and another.  You can imagine that at first, they will receive verbal and body language cues from other parents that let them know they aren’t conforming to the informal group expectations that parents will show up for nursery duty when they are scheduled.

If the Muddlesons begins to show up as scheduled and there are no issues with their childcare, the group returns to normal.  If, however, the absences continue, the situation may well be brought up to the more formal group – the leaders of First Church of My Holy Imagination.  Once that happens, the rule book comes into play. Once again, if the Muddlesons conform, some semblance of normalcy is resumed. (I will say it has been my experience that once a person enters into problems that involve invoking church rules/discipline, a measure of social damage will occur.)  If the Muddlesons do not conform, then various actions are taken which, in the end, will likely result in the couple going to another church. They’ve been excluded from the group.

Example 2: Informal Rules

The women at Cornerstone Solid Rock Gospel church always wear skirts or dresses.  There is no formal rule for this, but there it is a strong unspoken norm held by both the men and women.

One Sunday, Juliette, a younger lady who has knees that look like they were grafted from a camel, finally says to herself “Enough!”  She buys a very nice pants suit and goes to church.  (I’ll bet you can already guess where this is headed.)  She makes a point to arrive exactly on time to avoid conversations prior to the service.  However, Juliette notes that during the praise and greeting times people are intentionally avoiding looking at her.  After the service, few speak to her and those that do say nothing directly, but instead make it very obvious by their behavior that she’s out of favor. Juliette is hurt because two of people are women she considered to be close friends.  Nevertheless, Juliette figures Christians should love one another for who they are vice what they wear and continues to wear her nice pant suit. Several weeks pass, as do the increased number of “I won’t be able to meet you for lunch,” phone calls. People avoiding sitting in the pew near her, and she is subjected to snide comments by people who should know better.  Juliette eventually decides to leave the church.  Even though she may be spot on with every other belief and rule, she has breached the unspoken norm of women wearing skirts.

Being Excluded

Because people are social beings, we like when we are connected and affirmed in our connections. It feels very nice to be with people who really enjoy shopping or camping with us. And I mean more than just the activity – they like us for WHO we are.  When we lose our relationships by lay-offs, death, moving, or differences of opinion, we lose our connectedness and that hurts.

Church has an added dimension that is created with our relationships that makes closeness all the more close and separations all the more painful. We believe we share a common bond in the Spirit of God. We refer to ourselves as part of “the family of God.”  There is an intimacy woven into our church and spiritual friendships that is not shared with our workmates or soccer parent friends.

When our church/spiritual relationships are good, amazing things happen like a whole church coming together to create a tiny miracle. Perhaps all the men will suddenly decide to put a new roof on shed of a member’s home that was damaged in a storm. The church may even raise a “fellowship offering” to pay for it.  Perhaps the whole church will come together to make Thanksgiving or Christmas baskets for the families who are struggling through the holidays. These are HUGE joys!

Now … imagine having been part of the giving or receiving of these joys and then eventually finding yourself in the “out group” – no longer part of that church/spiritual community. I do not believe I’m exaggerating when I say this is akin to an unexpected divorce. Maybe the signs were there, maybe they were not. Maybe the exclusion happened over time, maybe it was as sudden as a birthday note on the pillow that says, “You’re 40, fat and I’m leaving you.” (Real life example.)

In addition to the social pain, the spiritual nature of the relationship causes a lot of people to sour on God.  The hurt person is understandably angry at the group. Whether the anger is directed at the subgroup, the church congregation, the denomination, Christianity or the whole concept of religion and spirituality depends much on the person and circumstances.

Summary

Now that we understand group interaction in churches a little better, let’s spend some time looking at how exclusion mechanisms work for each of the four common categories (Differences in Doctrine, Differences in Church Decisions, Power Plays and Social Popularity).