What Happened?

This is a question that many Christians ask after they find themselves on the outside of a church community that was once a central part of their life.

It’s been my experience that while there are many scenarios that result in a Christian being dechurched - excluded from their church or faith community, the main reason will fall into one of the following larger categories:

• 1)      Differences in Doctrine

• 2)      Church Change Decisions

• 3)      Power Plays

• 4)      Social Popularity

Let’s take a quick look at each one, so you’ll have an idea where your situation might fall.

Differences in doctrine

One would think this wouldn’t be too common. If a person has chosen to make themselves part of a particular church community, then it stands to reason he must generally accept the doctrines of the denomination that church represents.

The operative word here is “generally.”

Churches are first and foremost groups of people who share relationships with one another. Very few church relationships are founded on doctrine. The doctrine of a church is more akin to what neighborhood someone wants to live in than how close I am to a particular neighbor on my street. For instance, a Baptist would be very unlikely to attend a Catholic service. It’s not the religious neighborhood where they want to spend time every Sunday – but this Baptist might have very dear Catholic friends. Similarly, a Methodist might attend the same Methodist church her family has attended for three generations. This doesn’t mean she likes everyone in her congregation. In fact, there are probably a few people she doesn’t like at all!

So, once a person has made a decision to be a part of a particular church, certain general assumptions are made about doctrine that don’t usually come up in conversation. They are considered to be “a given.”  This is like a group of guys planning on attending a Chicago Bears football game. They are going to wear Bears colors and bring Bears hats to support their team. They don’t discuss which team fan flair there are going to bring – it’s going to be stuff that supports the Bears. That’s “a given.”

But, guess what? People move in and out of churches and other people change with age and experience. Pretty soon someone will have a different view on a key doctrinal point, like women preaching from the pulpit, believing the world took longer than six days to create, or that abortion might be necessary to save the life of a mother.  That someone might be the pastor or church leader, which can create a serious rift in the congregation. Or that someone might be a member of the congregation, in which case this person becomes reviled and excluded from the rest of the group, whose perspectives have not changed.  This is not unlike our Chicago Bears fan changing his fan jersey and hat in the middle of a game to support the rival Minnesota Vikings team. His friends and all the other fans around him are going to give him a VERY hard time!

Church Change Decisions

I’m speaking about the non-doctrinal issues here. These are the sort of questions like, “Do we use the endowment fund to resurface the parking lot?” “Should we allow drums during our worship service?” “How should we advertise?”

When I write these things on paper, they sound so trivial that it’s hard to imagine they could ever get blown into the proportions they do … but they do.  We often speak of church being “like a family.” We forget that while families are often sources of unconditional love, they are also places where the most bitter of spite and contempt can fester over seemingly insignificant issues.

Hear this: Churches despise change.

There are two primary reasons for this. First, the essence of church is to worship God, Whom the vast majority of Christian churches view as unchanging. It then stands to unspoken reason that if we have a good and proven way of worshipping Him and sharing our faith about Him, then there shouldn’t be any reason to change.  Secondly, when the world around us changes we look for places of stability. Churches offer the prospect of that sort of eternal stability. If the church starts changing, that creates uncertainty and instability in the one place where many people are seeking certainty.

Of course, the reality is that the world changes and the church with it. For proof, one need only look at even the simplest timeline that stretches from the time of Christ to today. Still, on a day-to-day level, this is hard to see and churches invariably resist change.

Power Plays

This one is particularly ugly. No group of people can effectively work with one another toward common goals without some sort of common rules and leadership structure. Churches have both in spades. Another fact is that those in leadership have to have some sort of power in order to provide direction to the group.  We all wish that every Christian who holds a leadership position truly viewed the position as a “servant” role. Most don’t.  There are a few, to be sure, but for many, it is something they do because no one else really wanted to do it.  For others, it is something they do because they couldn’t say “no” when they were asked to fill the position. For a few … they do it because they like being the center of attention and/or being influential in a group.

When someone in the congregation challenges church leadership, they run risk of having that leadership power and influence pointed back at them. The reality is that those in leadership do have some measure of skill or gift in that role or they would not have the drive to seek it out. Those who do not have those skills or gifts will find themselves at a disadvantage when things start to heat up since they won’t really know how to effectively “play the game.”  This game, of course, is church politics. Once “the game” is in full play, worship of our Lord takes a back seat to special meetings, gossip in the halls, various sort of formal and informal exclusion tactics and all the rest of the garbage that will quickly send a Christian fleeing down the road!

Social Popularity

This one is sadly ironic. Churches are supposed to be those safe havens where “everyone is welcome.” Christ died for everyone’s sins, didn’t He?  Why wouldn’t all be welcome?

Right.

There’s the guy who just goes ON and ON and ON at every business meeting about things that seem to have no relevance to the topic.

There is the kitchen nazi who has to have everything just so.

There’s the guy who seems to just not be able to leave some of the more coarse “guy” features at home, like off-color comments, farting in the pew, and being just a little too loud.

There’s the overly emotional kid whose feelings are hurt with every little thing and his parents who are there to defend him to the end.

There’s the rich widow who insists that things be done her way or she’ll quit tithing.

There’s the guy who questions every leadership decision and every theological point at every opportunity.

And so on.

The truth of the matter is that groups get fed up with people who constantly create friction. Churches are no exception. The sad thing about churches is that the use of the Bible to find verses to support exclusionary tactics, or just simply being hypocritical by saying one thing about a person to them and another to others creates a stain on not only the church, but on Christ. This can cause the one who is being excluded (and many onlookers) to associate the church with Christ and throw the whole religious mess out the window of their lives.

Summary

Chances are that if you’ve been excluded from a church congregation, the circumstances fall into one or more of these four categories. To begin making a recovery from any sort of emotional or spiritual downfall, it helps to understand how things got to the point of being the mess they did. In the next section, I’ll speak a little about the psychology of group dynamics and show you how this works in a church setting.